Beginning a post about faith in written form seems like entering a conversation blind and halfway started. I have no idea where anyone else is coming from and what words are familiar/strange, painful/comforting. So I deeply appreciate the chance you take here to read these words.

I believe in God and I believe that God loves you and me. I see God’s protection over my life and I see the devastation of loss too. When our son died, my faith was changed forever. When I asked myself if I still believed in Jesus, my heart said “Where else would I go? This is the words of eternal life. This is God.” (the verses of John 6:68 when Jesus is beginning to be abandoned by followers.) It doesn’t mean that it is always easy for me to trust God, but that faith is “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1). Just like I believe love is a choice in marriage and commitment, faith and trust in God is a choice too.

Do you believe in God, do you believe in an afterlife, do you believe you have a soul, do you think Jesus was actually real… those are all the questions that I have asked myself along this journey of faith. And my conclusions were Yes, I do. And so because of that, I try to live my life in honor of God.

When I first started writing publicly, I didn’t really want to include references to God because I thought it would be too divisive and complicated and crowded anyway. And it probably was and is true. But I can’t separate my faith from my perspective on grieving, adoption, race, parenting, etc., because my relationship with God is integral on all those aspects that I struggle with and because God actually cares about what hurts us. I hope in sharing my faith and how it impacts my experiences, that it is an encouragement to anyone who reads it.

It’s hard to believe it, but this fall I will actually be sharing my story at an adoption conference! This is something I have applied to many times over the last ten years and I am thrilled to be actually stepping into this calling in this way at CAFO Summit 2022 (Christian Alliance for Orphans). I would highly encourage any one who is involved in foster care, adoptive parents, or general orphan well-being to attend. I first went to the annual conference in 2012 and have been dreaming and praying about how to be involved ever since.

I can picture exactly where I was when I realized I had a calling from God. I was living in Rwanda, Africa with my husband, my sister & brother-in-law and their family. We were teaching at an international Christian school in Kigali and almost every Sunday went to the orphanage during visiting hours to play with the kids. There is so much to be said about this whole year, but for the specifics of this post, I will just say that my passion was sparked and I knew that I had a role to play in the adoption movement somehow. I had only vague ideas of what it would look like, but was sure nonetheless. After we returned back to the United States, we attended our first conference by CAFO and got many ideas for how to try to be involved.

Throughout my whole life, I had always thought of myself an ambassador for adoption because I wanted to share how special it was and how great it would be for more families. After CAFO, I had a lot more tools to draw from, but everything I tried for the next ten years ultimately didn’t lead to anything I thought it was. Whatever church I was at, I tried to host an adoption info night or an adoption ministry. I tried to connect with adoptive parents. I wanted to get back to CAFO and applied as a speaker a few times. My personal circumstances led me on a different path than what I thought it would be and I was blessed to birth many biological children. I started writing online when I thought I could devote more time to that passion, but was surprised to be pregnant one more time. Finally it seemed like a dream come true to get to join a panel at an adoption conference at a beloved previous church, and then the world changed in the pandemic. It has definitely been a struggle for me to find my bearings in all the changes and in what God actually wanted me to do. Finally in 2022, it seemed like it was the right time to try again to be involved somehow.

I applied again to CAFO and began being more mindful again towards drafting words for future posts. On June 12, 2022, I read a devotional about Joseph and how he waited waited waited from seeing his vision to its actuality, and I wondered if I would wait forever or if I was wrong. And then four days later – I got an email with an invitation to talk about how to play a part in a new adoptee initiative. With some more correspondence and a Zoom call later, I am still a bit stunned that I actually get to go to CAFO this year and share my story as an adoptee with others on a conference panel. I feel a bit unworthy in many ways, and it is so humbling to be given this opportunity. I hope with all my heart to do it with kindness, authenticity, and glory to God.

I write for anyone who loves an adoptee. Maybe there are some things that are true for them too and reading it helps you understand them a bit more.

I write to give adoptive families ideas and tools to create fun memories or maybe even traditions. 

I write to join the conversation. There are a lot of voices in this hashtag land and the most memorable ones are usually the haunting, gripping stories, but I want to be another voice of hope. 

I write from a perspective of adoption trying to be centered on the gospel. The good news of Jesus with the understanding that brokenness happened but there is redemption and hope. 

I write because I knew so few adoptees growing up and that was lonely.

I write to change the communication. There are terms I don’t like (and I’m glad to see some have already called out and are on their way out) and if I could give some new words as alternatives I would be so happy. 

I write for any cross-racial adoptee who just doesn’t fit the group they look like or the group they know. 

I write for the burning fire in my soul that says I have a part to play in the adoption movement. 

I write for hope, in faith that the things God has impressed upon me with actually might be helpful. 

I don’t write to convince anyone to adopt. I used to want to, even though I knew it wasn’t my job, but now I am at a place where I can honestly say it’s not a motivating factor. I do write in hopes that some people might consider adoption. I write to shine a spotlight on adoption and bring it to the conversation for families. 

I write for the birth moms to know the choice they make to place their child can be a loving one. 

I write for the adoptive parents to know maybe some things their child doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel like expressing directly to them. 

And I write for adoptees to know that they can share their story, even when we feel guilty if we have a “good one”. We can share our story when we are still wrestling with how to say it. We can share our story when it’s complicated or not. And we can share our story when there’s nothing much to say because it’s just part of our past and not on our minds in the present.

I write for my children to get to know some part of the path before they joined.

I write for myself.

Drafted to self Jan 2021